Come Back to Me
the days come back to me and I don’t know how to be I don’t want to remember in my mind but my inside will never forget it’s hard to breathe sometimes one moment and I’m back to the day of the lightning crash so bright, on the doctor’s screen in the dim room, of the darkest moment so quiet, the look in their eyes the truth they dare not speak their cowardice your courage your hope then, the surgery the last time I saw you, as you heard your voice and kissed your cheek oh, how I wish I had a photo with you that day but, I’ll never forget stage 4 the long, cold, gray halls of the hospital bridges the echoing chamber of the parking garage the bells and alarms of the ICU my stomach in knots over what ifs and no one knows, but God the scripture on the hospital window, written in fading print holding on like you in that room, in that bed with all of those screens with all of those wires the seizures the rain the waiting the relentless, gnawing pain of the memory of the tragic unfolding, cascade, and unraveling towards death your words, “don’t worry, my daughter will take care of me” come back to me I hear you, again I’m back to the night you came home I stayed up all night my eyes so tired my body so weak my heart so weary but I could not sleep your eyes opened just as I lay my head down you lifted your head and searched you spoke so clearly you asked for ice and water you told me you were going somewhere as I brought you each request I couldn’t hear what you were trying to tell me I was so focused on keeping you alive until morning so you could hear the music, and see the sunlight, one more time it’s all you wanted, to come home one more party one more drink one more song one more day, together I understand, now but was so terrified, then and failed to cherish that first night I did my very best I hope it was enough I hope you never saw my fear I hope I was your comfort and peace you slept so soundly no wires no alarms finally, home my heavy eyes closed at the first light of dawn and the first footsteps down the hall at last, another soul awake you had made it I could rest in the Light the days come back to me hello, we meet me again to feel it once again I’d do it all again will it always be this way it won’t let me go— from the beginning of May and finally, to the end in June how shall I be as the days come back to me moment by moment memory by memory I cannot forget that you made it and now, I can rest in the Light I will remember, for ever and after this part of your story— your hope your courage your fight your fierce faith and your love as they all— come back to me - A. A. Sandoval